I am 38 and somewhere in the back of my head I think that when I reach 40 I will be able stop. And by stop I mean stop making decisions based on other people’s opinions of me, stop questioning what I say, stop doubting myself and stop beating myself up by feeling not good enough. STOP!
Basically, I am waiting for the time and age when I can start answering only to myself. Does this ever happen?
If I were so bold to give myself a compliment, it would be that I actually have good instincts. I have a very strong gut and my Dear Husband would actually say that I am brazen at times. However, not many people see this side of me. In fact, I usually let my smiley, give-the-shirt-off-my-back, steam-roll-over-me-if-you-need-to-because-I-don’t-mind self be shown. I thought that was what I was meant to do as a good girl and a good Christian.
The Jesus I am now learning about had good boundaries, often put the brakes on and didn’t let himself be steam-rolled. Generous, yes. A push over, no. NO!
Just to be even more transparent here, my fear is that if I am so bold to say things like, “No, that doesn’t work for me” or “No, I don’t want to do that” or “No, I see things differently,” then people will abandon me. I’m truly afriad that if I am not aligned with another’s thinking then I will be left with no friends, no family, no support. This has actually happened many times to me with people that were born to support me and the residue is real and painful. I’m still not over it. But, that does not mean that this is how the rest of the world works.
Resentment always rears his ugly head when I choose a path that my gut is not saying yes to. I will play along for a while and smile through it, but if I know it is not a good fit for me then after a while I will get, well, pissed. I am just too scared when I FEEL off to SAY I feel off. Often times my feeling does not match up with my doing and I often get lost when I start thinking about other’s feelings over my own. That’s what’s going on. I’m scared to let out that little feeling because I don’t always think I have a good enough reason. I know in my head that any reason is good enough. But, I tend to believe that if I do not have the best reason then I should just go with the flow. Like I have to be bleeding on the street to feel justified in saying no. Like I have to be in labor. OH! That actually happened and the people that I aligned myself to never came to save me. So, hmmmm, the conclusion is: not speaking my mind really does not keep me safe.
Anyone else out there know what I’m talking about?
When does this stop? I kid, but I am hoping it just stops all together at 40 and I can say “Screw it. I’m going to listen to myself.” I am practicing. I am working up to it. I am trying to carve out a different, healthier way of living. It is the repetition that I fight against, the abuse and now the self-abuse. Every day is a battle field and I show up ready to fight.