…somewhere in the middle

Hi Friends!

I want to welcome all of you that have recently decided to read and write on The Safe Nest. I have noticed a boost in readership and some of you have probably noticed that I’ve been a bit quite. I was thinking about what I wanted to write about today and after a few ideas I decided to just tell you how I’ve been feeling. In the hopes, of course, that you feel comfortable telling me how you feel.

I was posting often here until I started feeling a little funny. I let myself sit with that feeling and tried not to brush it away, but just kind of explore it. I realized maybe a month in that what I was feeling was a bit, over-exposed. There is a part of me that wants to be known and understood and wants to connect with all of you out there that feels the same way. But, there is also a part of me that feels that I am spilling my guts and may have to deal with what I’ve put out there at a later date. I was starting to feel kind of naked in a sense. It’s one thing when you are in a room of people and you feel safe. It is another thing to say how you are feeling in a world-wide room and are not sure if you are safe. I was confident for a time, but grew to be not so sure. I needed to find a spot in the middle.

I talked to my therapist about this idea at the beginning of the summer. She taught me that there was a place where we over-reveal and a place that we under-reveal and the ideal position is to be somewhere in the middle. I think this medium point is different for every person. I realized that I need to find a place in my middle where I felt like I could share, but without throwing myself under the bus and was too open to criticism. But, I also want to live bravely and often feel a push to let people in so I can feel a deeper connection. I am not content skimming on the surface. I want to know people deeply and I want to be known. I realize that this is a balance.

In the past I used to see things as very black and white: I am this. I do this. I want this. I do not want that. I am not that.

People are so much more grey than this. There are so many more colors in the rainbow than just black and white and our thinking should be the same. It’s not as comfortable for me to live in the gray and not define myself, but I know that this is where I want to land so that I can be open to myself growing and changing – and so that I can be open to others around me.

So, I start this phase in the middle, where I hope you will meet me. I honor myself in my middle. I set my pace here and if I need to move and change, as I will, I will move and change.

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