It is hard for me not to move through life without fear. Fear that I won’t be able to care for my kids, fear that my husband will lose his job, fear that something devastating will happen.
Fear is real and it is strong for me. I am so fearful of fear that I worry to try to ward it off. Worry, worry and prepare and then I will be emotionally set when and if something bad happens. Makes sense right? Well, it makes sense to WANT to protect your self against an emergency, but does worry really keep you safe? We all know the answer to this one.
My preparation met my emergency once again yesterday when my 6 year old did a flip on our trampoline and could not move. She could not move her toes, fingers, head. I waited. She still could not move. Tears flowed from the corners of her eyes. I touched her skin and she screamed. This was an emergency. What about my fear? I’m sure it was there, but I did not notice it. All I felt was peace.
I called 911. I looked at her, stroked her hair and thought if my daughter is paralyzed I will care for her, she will live with us for the rest of her life, I will hand feed her and give her the best life she can have.
When they moved her on the mini stretcher into the lit up ambulance, I followed behind the large man and sat and rubbed her hair some more. We can do this. We were doing this. What about my fear in the ambulance? I did not notice it. I felt peace and we were moving forward. We were doing what needed to be done.
This was a fearful emergency where I did not know the outcome for my daughter and I did not feel fear. What about all the worry that I had stored up? Had it protected me against this moment? Was I more prepared as the ambulance weaved in and out of traffic? Hmm.
It was a whisper to me of the peace that only God can provide. It was a nudge that I can trust Him; a reminder that he loves Fiona more than I do and he loves me fiercely. I could not have manufactured that sense of peace myself.
What does this mean for the rest of my life? Maybe it means that I do not need to protect myself with preparation because in any emergency I know that I can trust God to give me that same peace. Wow. This is huge.
Of course, I did freak out when I was trying to buy a Starbucks this morning and realized my credit card had fallen out of my wallet. Baby steps.